And no person, I was convinced, ever loved as deeply as an animal did for the person who cared for them.

He was kissing me like the war was over.

I hope one day, darling, that you will know the touch of a man who loves you. I pray you will know how wonderful that is. How rare and beautiful. How godly. Even if it isn’t within the union of marriage. It isn’t wrong. Nothing is more right.

He had showed me some of his damage. And he was ashamed of that. Little did he know, I wasn’t someone who could judge. So what if he had anger issues? I had ripping myself open issues. And alcohol issues. And daddy issues. And brother issues. And grandmother issues. I was the Long Island iced tea of damage: everything but iced tea included.

The perfection of that silent moment was somehow better than a million mouthfulls promising forever.

How early is early?” I asked, never having been a morning person. “Six?” “Ah, yeah, I’m gonna have to hop on the Nope train to Fuckthatville on that one.

Anyone who has ever been in love, truly, magnificently in love, knows that it is torture. It is ugly and messy and brings out the absolute worst along with the best in you. It hurts because it forces you to confront every aspect of yourself. It forces you out of your comfort zone.

Aw babygirl, tell me you want to get stabbed somewhere naughty,” he.

What good does wallowing do?” I shrugged. “I mean there is science to this kind of thing. The actual pain of it only lasts a really short time. It’s the obsessive wondering and what-if’ing and mourning for your loss that makes you shrivel up in a ball for weeks or months. I have nothing to wonder or what-if or mourn. He didn’t love me enough. Case closed. Someday someone will. Or maybe some day a dozen or so cats will. Whatever.

I leaned down, grabbing his face and pulling it to mine, letting myself kiss him with every failed hope, lost dream, every frustrated moment of low self-esteem, every hidden, dark, secret, shameful thing. I kissed him like therapy. Like I could pour it all into him and finally be free.